I cuss, I smoke, I laugh at dirty jokes, the minor vices
Man, I know 'em well, I've closed down bars, I've lusted in my heart
“Jules is not going to be happy with you guuuuysss” Shawn slurred. He was looking guilty, but on the inside he was anxious to see his “present. ”
“Why did I even agreed to come to this doopid thing. It’s not like yur stelling my parner ur anything.” Lassiter had had a particularly large number of drinks.
“I think you’re just jealous you couldn’t make your marriage last.” Gus was the designated driver, unfortunately.
“S’all right Lassieeee, I didn’t do much better.” Henry was feeling just as drunk-sad as Lassiter over there.
“At least you gotst yourselfes a kid out’a the deal. No matter how craaaaaappy a son he may be” after a moment of pause he added, “andont call meh Lahhssee.”
*My ex's think I oughta burn in hell, but the devil he won't notice when I die And don't you figure, he's got bigger fish to fry, oh, yeah
On second thought, maybe being the designated driver wasn’t such a bad thing. After all, he got to be the one who remembers this hell of a bachelor party. The whole lot of Shawn’s friends had come. Buzz, Woody, Adam, Dobson, and several others, not to mention his closer buds, Lassiter, Henry and Gus. Gus had asked a couple pharmaceutical buddies, but they left after a couple drinks.
Wimps.
Then again, Gus wasn’t the one to be talking, after all, he hadn’t had more then and ounce of hard liquor. Meanwhile, Shawn was on his forth, which is weird, because he normally went for club soda, or beer, with the exception of Christmas. Henry was on his fifth bourbon and Lassiter on his 8th malt scotch.
Politicians taking pork barrel bribes
Crooked CEO's are getting off with no time
Christmas Eve burglars stealing good children's toys
(Can't say Christmas)
Holiday burglars stealing good children's toys
Buzz had tried to slow him down after his 3rd, but he was quickly silenced by the rest of the group, who wanted to know about the Lassiter behind the cold mask.
Oh what a show they got.
Just to list a few, Gus could recall a confession of love to Kristy Swanson, he never joined the lodge, he just did it to get props, he misses his wife and hasn’t slept with a woman in three years. Even a confession of like for Shawn and Gus, that one caught him by surprise, but Shawn’s response caught him even more even more off-guard.
“OH but IIII already knew that Binky! Does THIIIS ring any bells? You ASTOUND ME!!!” Shawn screamed. Anywhere else, everyone would have looked at him like he was an idiot, and, make no mistake- he is an idiot- but in a noisy strip club, nobody was any smarter.
I cuss, I smoke, I laugh at dirty jokes, the minor vices
Man, I know 'em well, I've closed down bars, I've lusted in my heart
My ex thinks I oughta burn in hell, but the devil won't notice when I die Yeah, don't you figure, he's got bigger fish to fry
A deafening squawk came from the loud speaker. Everyone covered their ears, but Shawn, who was laughing uncontrollably.
“Oh, Jules” Gus thought. “do you have any idea what you are getting into with this one?”
Yeah, there's gonna be bonfire burning
An everlasting barbecue
But with all the bad stuff going on
There ain't gonna be room for me and you
“I Belieeeeve we have an almost-no-longer-bachelor in the house. We’re praying for you Shawn. Before you’re “Big”, “Special”, day, do you want one more night of fun before your life is officially over?”
“YEEEEEEEEESSS!” Shawn screamed.
“ Ah-ha-ha” the announcer laughed half-heartedly. “well, you’re drunk, and right on time, so, uh… designated driver? You in the house?”
Gus reluctantly raised his hand.
'Cause we cuss, we smoke, we laugh at dirty jokes
Tell one Jim, you know you're old when your wife says
"Honey, let's run upstairs and make love
And your answer is, "I cannot do both"
The minor voices, man, we know 'em well
“you got a camera?” He nods, and picks his hand up, revealing two disposable cameras. “Wow, you came prepared. Well, in that case, let the show begin!” The announcer, Harold, Shawn picked up off of a paper he was holding, started to walk off stage, still holding the Mic. Music started, but Shawn was shaking his head like a maniac and yelled,
“WAIT! CUT THE TRACK!” The announcer turned toward him, puzzled, and cut the music. Shawn looked up at him sweetly like a little girl would if she were asking her dad for candy. “…Harry?” he started rocking back and forth, completing the little girl transformation.
“uh… Yes?”
“Can I request the song? I probably won’t ever get to pick the song agaaaaaain, soooooooo…”
“Um, Shawn, right? Yeaaah, you already picked the song. This is the song you picked. Would you like to change it?”
Shawn got up from his chair and made a bee-line for the stage. He tripped over about twelve people, which was pretty impressive all things considered. He gestured for Harold to lean down, and said,
We've closed down bars, we've lusted in our hearts
Our ex's think we oughta burn in hell
But the devil, he won't notice when we die
Hey, don't you figure, he's got bigger fish to fry
“so what kind of name is Harold for a Strip club owner anyway?” He honestly wanted to know, and how could he have known in his drunken stupor that that is not something you ask someone.
“Shawn, do you want to change the song or not?” Shawn grabbed his ear and brought it to his mouth and said the name of the song he wanted.
“odd, but whate-“ he was interrupted by Shawn stealing the microphone and gesture for Harold to start the song. He shrugged. Harold had seen stranger things from not-so-bachelors.
When the music started, Shawn took the intro as an opportunity to give a speech.
“This song is for my Dad and Carlito, because it has fish and frying things. I LOVE YOU GUYS! Oh, and Gus too.” He winked at his best friend and Gus couldn’t help but be a little creeped out. He scampered back to his seat just as the curtain rose, and they all started singing along.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
When Shawn awoke, he was mildly amused, but not surprised to find himself amongst all of his male compadres; mostly clothed, with the exception of Lassiter and Harold. Wait, who’s Harold? Wait, why are they in their underwear?
“Mega Holy Moses. I’m getting married today.” How many tequila shots did he have last night? None? Twelve? It was lost on him. He made a note to ask Gus about it while they were standing on the altar later.
It was then he realized his head was pounding like… like… he couldn’t function enough to form a coherent simile, so he settled on passing out cold.
Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry
Pass the tartar sauce?
Author's Chapter Notes:
First song fic, but music is my life, so I plan to do more. please review, even if it sucks. It was kind of hard to figure out.
spoilers from From the Earth to Starbucks. wow that was good grammar.
spoilers from From the Earth to Starbucks. wow that was good grammar.
Chapter End Notes:
How'd I do? honesty is the best policy! (unless you just want to make me feel good, that is an acceptable policy as well. OH YEAH! this is for my best friend Riley. Love you hunny, and our song rocks.
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