'All the right friends in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got
All the right moves in all the right faces
So yeah, we're going down
Let's paint the picture
Of the perfect place
They've got it better then when anyone's told ya
They'll be the King of Hearts, and your the Queen of Spades
Then we'll fight for you like we were your soldiers
I know we've got it good
But they've got it made
And the grass is getting greener each day
I know things are looking up, but soon they'll take us down
Before anybody's knowing our name'
Juliet can see Shawn's broken. Unwired and exposed, face pale and body tense. His lips are pursed and he runs a shaking hand across his face. His other hand has a crumpled and worn piece of paper in it's hold. The final clue, Juliet presumes.
Shawn looks around the room bewildered, his eyes wide and watery – not with shock, but with fear. They dart around the room quickly and she wonders, hopes, that he might see something she can't, before they move and look to her left. She can't see the occupant, of course, because they are encased in their own little chamber just like her. A gas chamber to be precise. Disused and and abandoned, she wondered what horrors it has seen.
She can hear noises from the next chamber, because as quiet as Juliet is, the other recipient is not. Abigail cries for her mommy and begs Shawn to get her out. Shawn backs up slightly, eyes drifting to the floor, tightening shut in desperation, breaths coming a little bit too fast.
The voice makes her jump because it's not Shawn or Abigail who speaks then.
“Tick Tock, Shawn” the voice says, floating down around them and causing Shawn to move around in circles. “I debated calling it 'Shawn's Choice' but it really didn't sit right on the tongue.”
There was a small ripple of laughter that seemed to bounce off the walls and caused Shawn's body to stiffen. 'Damn you, Yin!' she thought as bitter anger rose up through her, settling in her chest.
“ You know what movie I'm referring to, don't you Shawn?” the voice spoke again.
“Shawn?” the voice asks quietly when it's clear Shawn's chosen not to answer. It's clear to Juliet that Shawn knows exactly what he's referring to, because she can see that clammy sweat has broken out across his forehead and his body twitches and skitters even more, in much the same way as when Gus had walked into that bank.
She guesses Abigail knows it too – because she's crying even more now – and Juliet bites down on her own urge to scream with despair.
“I guess you do, because it's one of the classics. Of course I could have gone for something different, something I'd know you appreciate – Hitchcock, maybe. But this -” there's a pause and a sigh, “Is beautiful.”
Juliet begs to differ. Everything about this entire situation is anything but beautiful. The voice – smooth, enunciated, calm and prepared – the voice is causing her hair to stand on end and her skin to crawl. And Shawn is standing there broken, unwired and exposed. That's not beautiful; it's dark and scary. Everything in the world might change, but Shawn was a given, her constant. If that was gone, it meant only one thing. The end.
“So lets play, Shawn” the voice is back. “Time to make your choice. Whose it going to be?”
Shawn's shaking his head, the crumpled note dropped to the floor, and has his hands balled tight against his eyes. Juliet can just about make out his panicked murmuring.
“Tick tick, Tick tock.”
When he looks up he stares straight at her. She can't bear to see that look on his face ever again. She knows then. Shawn can't make the decision, so Juliet does.
Abigail's making noises again – it's almost static now – and Juliet wants to shout at her to just shut the hell up before she changes her mind. Juliet knows what she has to do – because she's a cop and it her duty to protect and serve, and Shawn's broken, unwired and exposed...
“It's okay.”
It takes some time for her to find her voice, but it comes eventually, stronger than she expected. She's not really, but for Shawn, she will be, “It's okay, Shawn.”
Shawn's shaking her head at her now, a strangled cry stuck on his lips. His face is contorted. It comes to her ironically that she is causing it.
She looks away from him, swallowing her hesitation, and taking a step back she yells out loud.
“HE'S PICKING ME!” she looks back out to Shawn then, whose stopped still, his face pinched and flat, adding softly “Your picking me.” She hoped he understood the true meaning 'You don't have a choice in this!'
'Protect and serve' – Shawn knows it her job too and he shakes his head once, hand going to his mouth, before giving a a final defeated nod. Just once,and it was enough. A small excited giggle flittered between them, from the unseen airwaves and she closed her eyes, letting her head fall and rest on the glass panel of the door. When she opens them, the glass is frosty – either from her breath or the gas – she was unsure. But through it, she can see the outline of Shawn's head, resting there, against hers. She touches the door, trying to hold on to what remained of him and wonders if he's doing the same. Neither of them speak and for that she is regretful, because there's still so many things left unsaid...
----
'They've got...
All the right friends in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got
All the right moves in all the right faces
So yeah, we're going down
They say
Everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They say
Everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down'
Shawn's still standing in the concreted room when the cavalry arrive. Lassiter's the first on scene and after seeing the results of Yin's games he whirls on Shawn, grabbing hold of him and pushing him hard against the wall. He's shaking him hard, his head snapping painfully against the wall, and Shawn thinks he might actually be smiling back at him, as inappropriate as it was. It might have something to do with the fact that it takes less muscles to smile and he's totally spent. Whatever the reason it incenses Lassiter even more but Shawn can't really hear anything that's being said because the sound of his blood is rushing around his body and pooling in his ears and all he can really see is Lassiter's lips moving in a gnash of teeth. Shawn's anticipating the next move because Juliet's dead and he's a little bit numb. He figures that Lassiter needs this too.
Lassiter's hold is suddenly relinquished much to Shawn's dismay and the sudden lack of support and momentum causes Shawn's head to snap a bit too hard against the wall. Light sparks and pain momentary flashes with the rushing in his ears. When they both subside he's in the process of sliding down the wall, vision wonky as he sees his Dad holding Lassiter by the lapels of his suit, facing each other up, toe to toe. Shawn still can't hear much, but he can see that whatever his Dad is saying is serious. He doesn't think he's seen him that angry before. Worry settles in his stomach, because Lassiter and his dad are angry at each other while Juliet's dead and they should be angry at him instead. He's having trouble following and doesn't really understand why.
It takes the Chief to separate them. Lassiter straightens his suit and tweaks his tie. Shawn knows his regaining his composure. She sends Lassiter away towards the chamber that Juliet was in. Shawn thinks that's a bit harsh. He settles on his Dad again who still looks like he's going to take Lassiter down. The chief leans in close, touches his arm, says something that Shawn wouldn't have made out even if he could hear what they were saying, before nodding back down towards him with a gesture of her thumb.
It seems to have worked because Henry's suddenly on his knee's in front of Shawn, blocking his view so he can't see where the Chief moves to, and touches his face and arms. He's shaking and rubbing him. Shawn guesses he's trying to be soothing in his own way. His Dad is trying to speak to him now and Shawn can't hear a thing because Juliet's dead and the blood is still rushing through his ears. His Dad seems alarmed at this and Shawn can see that he's calling out for somebody.
He's either lost time or the emergency services are quick to act to the demands of Henry Spencer because there are suddenly two EMT's surrounding him. Shawn doesn't want them touching him, because Juliet's dead and he doesn't deserve their attention, so pulls out their hold. They're persistent though because suddenly they're shining lights in his eyes and invading his personal space. He can deal with Lassiter up close and breathing fire and brimstone in his face because it's familiar and he understands it, but this was too clinical and routine-filled. And he'd be dammed if he share this moment with them.
His mouth is dry and words, although unheard to his own ears, were strangled in his throat. So he settles on growling instead. One of the EMT's backs off straight away but the second doesn't, dares to touch his arm and offer a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. He tries to back further into the wall because as stupid as it sounds, Shawn thinks that maybe this EMT, with his calm ministrations and fake smiles, might actually be Yin. It's idiotic but he reaches for his Dad's arm, fingers finding his shirt instead. He knows he's McGrabby Silly Pants but he can't seem to remove his purchase, tightening and tangling his fingers further into the material. He hopes someone, his Dad hopefully, tells them to back the hell off.
His Dad tries speaking to him, but the rushing in his ears has progressed into the rhythmic beats of his heart. He sees Abigail being moved past the throng of people over his Dad's shoulder. She's with McNabb and Shawn knows now that she's safe. He knows he should say something but he can't because Juliet's dead and he's lost his voice, so he lets her walk past.
Gus appears then, out of breath, looking scared as hell. His Dad tries to stand to talk to him but Shawn doesn't let go of his hold, more strangled noises rising up from deep within. The beats give small intermittent gaps and he's pretty sure he hears a strangled whimper.
His Dad must have said something because Gus is looking away and nodding before retreating to stand near Lassiter. If Shawn had his wits about him he'd probably question how Gus could stand so close to Juliet. But he doesn't because Juliet's dead and Shawn's unseeing.
Shawn's drifting, eyes looking around the room, trying to figure out the source of the voice but there's nothing except walls and doors and a windowless room. The beats of his heart are loud in his ears and heavy against his chest.
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
“Shawn!” Henry's voice breaks through the gaps and it's as though he's switched on – broken intermittent sounds. He bites down hard on his lip because he doesn't want to hear what he already knows and hopes for oblivion.
“Shawn” Henry snaps again, filling one of the gaps, and he moves his head to see his Dad has his hand raised to his own chest. “Count the beats with me, kid.”
“No hats” Shawn murmurs quietly.
“No hats” He agrees, shaking his head.
There's some sort of commotion over by Juliet's chamber and if he had looked up he would see Lassiter push into the room, shoving people out of the way and Gus start to bounce on the balls of his feet.
“You hear that, kid?” Henry asks him. “She's alive!”
But Shawn doesn't because Juliet's dead and he's pretty much still lost so he concentrates on counting his Dad's heartbeats because he can't feel his own any more.
----
'Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear, and the sounds you like
Are we just sinking the ocean of faces?
It can't be possible... the rain can fall
Only when it's over our heads.
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away.
Over the world that's dead.
They've got, they've got...
All the right friends in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got
All the right moves in all the right faces
So yeah, we're going down
[Repeat]
They say
Everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They say
Everybody knows, everybody knows where we're goingYeah, we're going down
It don't matter what you see
I know I could never be
Someone that'll look like you.
It don't matter what you say
I know I could never fake
Someone that could sound like you.'
They've been sat at the end of a hallway for over an hour now. Enough to know they they didn't think Juliet was out of the woods yet.
Shawn had let the doctor's check him over – pretty much an easy job when your patient has lost the motivation to move. He'd been quiet, offering a few words when he needed to and let the doctor's manipulate his body. He let his Dad hover near by, let him do most of the talking, because he couldn't quite trust his own voice yet. He half expected the words 'Juliet's dead' to fall from his lips because everyone kept saying she was alive but Shawn just didn't get that. He wasn't supposed to have a save.
Henry had unsuccessfully tried to get him to leave but Shawn had sunk into the unforgiving chair he was in now instead and after a hesitation Henry had settled wordlessly into the chair next to him.
Gus joined them with hot drinks and reassurances but Shawn left his untouched –rolling the plastic cup between his fingers and letting the sting of the warmth seep into his fingers.
Lassiter arrives when the warmth goes. He feels Henry stiffen beside him, imagines flaring of nostrils and bearing of teeth. Instead Lassiter mutters a few reassurances and platitudes. He looks uncomfortable and twitchy but bites down on pride and offers a 'sorry'. Shawn looks down into the contents of his cup and shrugs, whispers 'It's okay' because really he deserved so much more.
He can feel both Gus and Henry, silently sitting up straight next to him, like a solid wall. His foundations aren't quite as well constructed and it threatens to take all three down.
When the contents of the cup becomes a brown sludge, Gus removes it from his fingers, and with it, his concentration. Lassiter sits against the opposite wall, his tie has gone and his shirt is half pulled out – something flickers across Shawn's stomach, because Lassiter looks unkempt and dishevelled and shocked – and Shawn made him this way.
Lassiter becomes aware of Shawn's impromptu scrutinization, catching his eye and pulls his arms across his chest. Shawn doesn't know where to look, so he settles his eyes on the floor and hopes for it to open up wide and swallow him whole – not because he's embarrassed – more to to do with the fact there's a building sense of shame and a stifling need to breath.
He debates his options with an actual tap of his foot against the hard floor and concludes that his father's arm was much more fleshy and he wondered if he could just sink in sideways and hide forever.
There's a cough and he looks up to find Abigail standing there. Instantly Shawn is disgusted with himself. He's let Abigail deal with this all on her own. Buzz's coat hanging off her like a shield of armour. Buzz, himself, is standing further aback. He offers Shawn a smile and nod.
Gus and Henry wordlessly move away and Abigail comes to sit next to him. He feels uncomfortable next to her but one look can see she is even more uncomfortable. He can see that the experience they have shared hasn't brought them closer, but instead widened the gap even more.
She told him she wanted to inspire people. He told her she inspired him. It wasn't enough.
If he was was being honest he didn't really feel any different after then he did before.
Once she had gone Gus had declared it was a bitchy thing to do. Shawn didn't really think so because there's not much you can do when your dead.
The Chief stops by soon after – she moves away with Henry to whisper in the corner – he doesn't really care any more until he sees her feet standing in front of him. He has no choice to look up. She tells him what he's heard from the SBPD's finest a million times before. What he's even heard himself say.
She places her hand on his shoulder, drops the 'Spencer' and addresses him softly 'We'll get him, Shawn'.
She doesn't remove her hand or look away. He wants her to because the longer it's there, the longer he hears 'We'll get him the next time'. Because there will be, a next time, Shawn knows this because Mary had practically told him so. Yang was a challenger and considered Shawn to be a worthy component. There was always going to be a next time until there was nothing else left.
Mary – another needless death, an innocent victim, another reason for Shawn to be engulfed by the big black hole that was slowly spreading across his heart. Maybe, once his heart and soul had blackened and darkened until there was nothing left until a burnt out shell, will Yang finally stop.
“I hope they have racket ball in heaven.”
Gus seems to be the only one who gets it.
“Me too, buddy, me too.”
After a while Shawn looses time, feels his eyes droop, and looses the ability to stay awake. He comes to with a nudge from his right to see his head has drooped and fallen against his Dad, so much so that his Dad has been able to move his arm around him.
His Dad murmurs it time to go and hit the sack. He tries to argue with him but feels too exhausted to speak.
“Go home, Spencer” Lassiter speaks up. “I'll call if there's any news.”
Lassiter's the only one remaining and Shawn's a bit taken with how stoic and unmoving he is. It's fitting he should be the last one standing. But even with receding shock and exhaustion he doesn't miss the tremble to the left hand. Shawn considers that Lassiter might need some time alone, some time to unwind and release without his superiors and inferiors around.
He lets his dad pull him out of the chair and manoeuvre him past Lassiter. He twists and turns, taking one last look as they round a corner, catching him dropping his head into his hands.
Henry continues walking beside him, his hand on his shoulder, with enough pressure to keep his dragging feet from skittering across the floor. They pass the last room of the hallway quite quickly, Henry doesn't even give him a chance to stop, but it's enough time for Shawn's tired eyes to scan across the room, see the occupant of the bed, the lack of medical personnel around her, the heart monitor with it's steady beeps and forks. It's enough to settle one fear.
Juliet's alive...
----
'All the right friends in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got
All the right moves in all the right faces
So yeah, we're going down
[Repeat]
They say
Everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They say
Everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
Yeah, we're going down [repeat x2]
All the right moves... heeey
Yeah we're going down
They say
All the right moves... heeey
Yeah we're going down'
Henry makes Shawn stay with him instead of retreating back to the Ol' 'Fluff N Fold'. Shawn doesn't really argue. In fact he doesn't do much.
Shawn prefers the safe confines of his old room. He buries himself in his bed, avoids phone calls and the outside world, and tries to remember a time when everything was innocent. He chooses to stay away from the hospital – doesn't want the burnt out shell of his heart or darkened soul to spread to Juliet. Thinks she's safer by having anyone else there with her.
The Chief and Lassiter both call but he doesn't take either call. Instead he stays on his bed, spread out like a star fish as he listens to his messages. The Chief's says Juliet's fine and awake. Lassiter's says she's asking for him.
It's nearly a week of him playing Kermit the hermit in his room before things start to change. He's had two more calls that he didn't take. The first one's from the Chief telling him to come back when he's ready but the second ones the kicker. Juliet. She asks him he's okay. She nearly died and it was his fault and she's asking if he's okay?
She speaks a lot. It's a ramble really – she says she's worried, that everyone was worried, about him. And that she couldn't bear to look at Lassiter's face any more because he was worried he'd given him brain damage before raising her voice and shouting him out for not taking anyone's calls. She pauses then as though she was waiting for an answer before whispering 'Just so you know. It was my choice. Not yours.'
He's in the kitchen with Henry when Gus arrives with Pineapple smoothies. He smiles when he sees Shawn's not becoming part of the mattress any more. He smiles even more when Shawn makes a move to grab one of the drinks. He finishes it off quietly, savouring the taste. When Gus goes to bathroom Shawn smiles at his Dad whose been sitting across from him, before finishing off Gus's smoothie too. Gus gives him a punch to his arm in thanks. Gentler than normal. But enough to remind Shawn of what normal is.
A day or so later he goes to the SBPD. Gus and Henry try to come with him but Shawn waits until they both think the notions gone before he gives them slip. He carries a pineapple because if his courage holds he's hoping to drop it off at Juliet's later. Practices speech's of apologies and references she wouldn't get.
Once there he sees that most seem pleased to see him, some of the officers clap him on his back and welcome him back. He's stops when he sees Juliet sitting at her desk – he hadn't realised she'd been well enough to return, wouldn't be surprised if she'd returned before she was actually due. There's flowers on her desk blooming across her desk. He feels ashamed that they're not from him.
She looks up then and their eyes meet. She's out of of her seat in a instant and across the space between them even quicker. There's a hesitation on both their parts before Juliet is suddenly engulfing him in a fierce hug.
“I'm sorry, Jules” he whispers into her hair.
“I told you already” she says quietly. She shakes her head then and gives him a playful punch to his arm in as much the same way as Gus had done earlier, “You should take your calls, you know. THAT was selfish, Shawn.”
She doesn't say it with meaning. He can tell by the way she's looking at him that she's worried, the way she's still hasn't fully let go of him and her body still pressed a little too close for comfort. The Pineapple, in this particular position, was sticking in his side uncomfortably.
“I'm sorry, Jules” he says again, “But your inflicting a Pineapple-induced injury.”
Juliet steps back then and he lifts the Pineapple up between them on the flat of his palm. She breaks out into a grin.
“I don't do flowers” he explains a small grin starting to relax on his lips. “Just plants and fruit. Or plants with fruit on them.”
“Thanks” she says, taking it. She steps back to her desk, he follows hesitatingly, and sees her place it firmly in the middle of the desk, between a photograph or her family and a card with Lassiter's unmistakable neat scrawl on it.
She tells him she needs the bathroom and he watches her walk away. Very much alive.
Lassiter comes up behind him, offers a reassuring “She doesn't blame you” before walking away. He pauses though and Shawn catches it, quiet and spoken fast, never to be repeated again - “Good to see you back, Spencer”.
The Chief doesn't appear as surprised at his appearance as everyone else – probably his Dad has alerted her to his AWOL status.
Shawn cuts to the chase quite quickly and asks her if he can see the note again. He doesn't know or understand why. All he knows is that Yin is still a formidable foe. And there will be a next time. But right now he needs some closure and he thinks he might get some from seeing it just to have the satisfaction of putting it away again – in the same way Gus has satisfaction from adding something to a list that knows he's already completed just to have the satisfaction of crossing it off.
The Chief tells him it's in evidence now but she must have seen the importance of it across his demeanour because she escorts him down there anyway, stands back when it's laid down in front of him in it's pristine evidence bag. There are smudges of dirt littered across it but the words stand out clear. Will probably haunt him forever in a brain that never forgets.
'Sophie made hers. What's yours going to be?
Time to Play...'
Gus takes him to Mary's funeral the next day. He's strangely touched that Gus has arranged the clothes and racket ball equipment because he knows its exactly what he would have arranged. The funeral is small – just the two of them and Mary's mother. She seems even more strangely touched by it all. She tells them she didn't know her son played racket ball but is pleased that they have shared this with her. Shawn doesn't correct her, instead he smiles and tells her it was a new hobby.
----
' Let's paint the picture
Of the perfect place
They've got it better then when anyone's told ya
They'll be the King of Hearts, and your the Queen of Spades
Then we'll fight for you like we were your soldiers'
Shawn lasts another three days at his Dad's before he makes his escape back to his apartment. He makes sure he answers his calls before he is either forcibly removed or starts to receive food packages. He thinks food packages might be a good deal though.
In his escape he manages to snag a few items from his old room – a furby, his school project toy car with dinosaur still attached, a He-Man figure and an old Skeletor made from a sock puppet. He's sitting on his bed now, surrounded by these items, trying to remember a time when everything was innocent. A time when he was safe.
He drops back on to the bed with a whoosh and adopts his star-fish pose. His hands tighten on the He-Man figure and Skeletor sock puppet.
“By the power of Grayskull” he whispers to the ceiling. “I have the power.”
'It don't matter what you see
I know I could never be
Someone that'll look like you.
It don't matter what you say
I know I could never fake
Someone that could sound like you.'
----
Meanwhile...
A man ,self-named Yin, given name unknown, stands and stares at a framed picture of a woman and a young boy. The woman, who some might know as Mr Yang, is standing happily next to the boy. To any outside viewer they might not know the significance of this, of who this woman truly is. They might not know that this boy looks strangely like another boy at that age. They might not know or care that this boy may now be a man called Shawn Spencer. More importantly, as Shawn Spencer lay on his bed in his newly constructed safe zone of childhood stories of innocence and stories, he might not realise it was those exact times he should have been worried about.
Just who are Yin and Yang and why is Shawn Spencer so important?
'Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear, and the sounds you like
Are we just sinking the ocean of faces?
It can't be possible... the rain can fall
Only when it's over our heads.
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away.
Over the world that's dead.'