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Old 07-18-2017
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Default WRITER'S COMMENTARY: Paint it Black

After writing the shorter commentary for "Bigger Boat" I decided to tackle something bigger that I really enjoyed writing. (don't get me wrong - I also like "Bigger Boat". Paint it Black, though, was much more involved and plotty).

You are invited to make any and all comments/ observations/ and critique in this thread. Flame it up!! ROFLOL!!

(don't actually flame it up... we have a fire code to follow around here... heheheheheheh)

Link to Comment fic
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Old 07-18-2017
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Originally Posted by dragonnan View Post
After writing the shorter commentary for "Bigger Boat" I decided to tackle something bigger that I really enjoyed writing. (don't get me wrong - I also like "Bigger Boat". Paint it Black, though, was much more involved and plotty).

You are invited to make any and all comments/ observations/ and critique in this thread. Flame it up!! ROFLOL!!

(don't actually flame it up... we have a fire code to follow around here... heheheheheheh)

Link to Comment fic
Wohoo!!! That's definitely going on my ereader.
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Old 07-18-2017
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Wohoo!!! That's definitely going on my ereader.
Aw YAY!!!!
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Old 07-18-2017
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YAY A fic I can actually stomach! lol I do love you, you know that, but I can't read all the things for... reasons. But I agree with you that I love this trope! I very clearly recall the Early Edition episode from when I was little as well!! (It was definitely my first real fandom.) I didn't see MacGyver until I was out of high school and we found it on Netflix, but I fell in love immediately.

ANYWAY, comments on your fic!

First off, MEEEP YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ALL THE LOVELY CHARRIES. *smishes them*

*ignores the fact that she has absolutely no room to talk*

(Shawn, don't look at me like that. I told you I'm ignoring it. Remember? *points up*)

You mention how it's challenging to write a "surprised moment" and how you "still feel like this could be improved upon." One, I think you did fine. More than fine, actually!! I was impressed. However, if you aren't quite satisfied - and I'm totally not putting this to just toot my own horn, I promise, but I wanted to just offer a tidbit of what I did in a fic recently, mainly because several reviewers mentioned it had caught them by surprise when they were reading. Just as an example/observation that could maybe help you/others out. And 100% this is open for as much critique as anything else.
Lucy's mouth opened and closed several times in quick succession as she tried to formulate a response.

Spreading his hands, Flynn gave her an apologetic smile. "I am sor- Ow!" His hand shot up to cover his nose as he blinked in surprise.

Her own look of surprise crossed Lucy's face as she lowered her fist, then her expression hardened in the next instant. "How dare you!" she seethed. "What, do you think saying you're sorry will just erase what you let happen?"

Also YES at him tipping over!! I'm so glad you did that.

And thought I might point out the misplaced "e" here... "Now you keep quite about this, you got me?" And is the "Maiposa exit" supposed to be the "Mariposa exit"? And the hand's what down? (I'm terrible; I'm sorry. )

Henry and Lassie teaming up is also one of my favorite things, just sayin'.

"...this rate I'll be lucky to keep my pants." (YES FAVORITE LINE!!)

Question for you: hypothically what do you like to think would have happened if Lassie and Henry had happened to arrive while the baddies were still there? (I like discussion so I'm gonna prompt this one. Haha) I feel like there'd have been some throttling done to the bad guys. At the least.
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Old 07-18-2017
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Originally Posted by DinerGuy View Post
YAY A fic I can actually stomach! lol I do love you, you know that, but I can't read all the things for... reasons. But I agree with you that I love this trope! I very clearly recall the Early Edition episode from when I was little as well!! (It was definitely my first real fandom.) I didn't see MacGyver until I was out of high school and we found it on Netflix, but I fell in love immediately.

ANYWAY, comments on your fic!

First off, MEEEP YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ALL THE LOVELY CHARRIES. *smishes them*

*ignores the fact that she has absolutely no room to talk*

(Shawn, don't look at me like that. I told you I'm ignoring it. Remember? *points up*)

You mention how it's challenging to write a "surprised moment" and how you "still feel like this could be improved upon." One, I think you did fine. More than fine, actually!! I was impressed. However, if you aren't quite satisfied - and I'm totally not putting this to just toot my own horn, I promise, but I wanted to just offer a tidbit of what I did in a fic recently, mainly because several reviewers mentioned it had caught them by surprise when they were reading. Just as an example/observation that could maybe help you/others out. And 100% this is open for as much critique as anything else.
Lucy's mouth opened and closed several times in quick succession as she tried to formulate a response.

Spreading his hands, Flynn gave her an apologetic smile. "I am sor- Ow!" His hand shot up to cover his nose as he blinked in surprise.

Her own look of surprise crossed Lucy's face as she lowered her fist, then her expression hardened in the next instant. "How dare you!" she seethed. "What, do you think saying you're sorry will just erase what you let happen?"
SWEEET!! Okay, yes, that is perfection!! I was thinking about it even more last night - a few hours after posting my commentary. That has always bothered me - trying to write what amounts to a jump scare. Your segment of fic is spectacular!

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Originally Posted by DinerGuy View Post
Also YES at him tipping over!! I'm so glad you did that.

And thought I might point out the misplaced "e" here... "Now you keep quite about this, you got me?" And is the "Maiposa exit" supposed to be the "Mariposa exit"? And the hand's what down? (I'm terrible; I'm sorry. )
Ok, geeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, fiiiiiiiixed!!! LOL!


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Originally Posted by DinerGuy View Post
Henry and Lassie teaming up is also one of my favorite things, just sayin'.

"...this rate I'll be lucky to keep my pants." (YES FAVORITE LINE!!)

Question for you: hypothetically what do you like to think would have happened if Lassie and Henry had happened to arrive while the baddies were still there? (I like discussion so I'm gonna prompt this one. Haha) I feel like there'd have been some throttling done to the bad guys. At the least.
Oh, gosh, well - first reaction is that I now require SOMEONE... to write that...

But dude, SO many possibilities!! Like.. okay, first there could, ie, LIKELY would be a stand-off. And that could go many many directions.

Garth could continue holding Shawn against him while Rollins did negotiations - typical demands for escape in exchange for not killing Shawn. This, in turn, could lead to a shoot-out - Shawn could get injured again - or killed even. OR, maybe Garth would continue with his "non killer" ways and see the light - letting Shawn go. But maybe, then, Rollins would grab Shawn instead and drag him out of the station.

OR... maybe Henry and Lassiter get to the station without the baddies noticing. Maybe they see Shawn tied up and put a plan together to save him. Maybe the baddies realize they're out there. Again - a shoot-out could take place - Rollins is SUCH a live-wire that makes him both dangerous and unpredictable. Like, dude escalated from robbery to attempted murder without even a blink. Zero soul, that one.

I've even pondered what would happen were Rollins to escape with Shawn.

Guuuuuuuuuuuh!!!


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Originally Posted by dragonnan View Post
SWEEET!! Okay, yes, that is perfection!! I was thinking about it even more last night - a few hours after posting my commentary. That has always bothered me - trying to write what amounts to a jump scare. Your segment of fic is spectacular!
Yes! Jump scare is the word I couldn't find earlier. lol I think the key is to come so far out of left field and not really build up to it in a predictable way - which can be hard because we know exactly what's going to happen so sometimes we accidentally give it away.

I absolutely love writing suspense but it's so hard to nail it perfectly.

Of course, then there are writers who fail miserably. I hated reading Poe in school because I didn't think he was that scary. I remember this one in particular where he was obviously trying to build up to the DUN DUN DUUUNNNN moment, but as the character went down the hallway, the narrative kept stopping to describe things like the curtains. It lost me in a snap. So terrible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonnan View Post
Oh, gosh, well - first reaction is that I now require SOMEONE... to write that...

But dude, SO many possibilities!! Like.. okay, first there could, ie, LIKELY would be a stand-off. And that could go many many directions.

Garth could continue holding Shawn against him while Rollins did negotiations - typical demands for escape in exchange for not killing Shawn. This, in turn, could lead to a shoot-out - Shawn could get injured again - or killed even. OR, maybe Garth would continue with his "non killer" ways and see the light - letting Shawn go. But maybe, then, Rollins would grab Shawn instead and drag him out of the station.

OR... maybe Henry and Lassiter get to the station without the baddies noticing. Maybe they see Shawn tied up and put a plan together to save him. Maybe the baddies realize they're out there. Again - a shoot-out could take place - Rollins is SUCH a live-wire that makes him both dangerous and unpredictable. Like, dude escalated from robbery to attempted murder without even a blink. Zero soul, that one.

I've even pondered what would happen were Rollins to escape with Shawn.

Guuuuuuuuuuuh!!!
NOT IT!!

Except... aahhh! So many good possibilities!! And I can just imagine the sheer EMOTIONS that Lassie and Henry would have to face this down.

*flails*
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NOT IT!!

Except... aahhh! So many good possibilities!! And I can just imagine the sheer EMOTIONS that Lassie and Henry would have to face this down.

*flails*
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
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BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
Oh shut up. This was NOT part of the deal when I clicked on this thread.
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Old 07-19-2017
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Oh shut up. This was NOT part of the deal when I clicked on this thread.
Please. There is no crying in baseball.

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Old 07-19-2017
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Please. There is no crying in baseball.

...Who's crying? I'm not crying. You're crying.

*stuffs muse into dark hole*

*throws box of tissues in after it*

*pulls rug over hole*

*sticks hands in pockets and wanders off whistling*
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