NAVIGATION
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Written by: AllAboutSpencer
Burton Guster smiled smugly as he sank into the cushy leather chair his partner usually occupied and picked up the remote control. Everything was perfect. The only way that this could get any better were if he could have scored a seat at the Writers’ Commendation Awards in person, but as always the event was completely sold out months ahead of time.
TIVO set, check. Widescreen and sound system far better than the pathetic setup in his apartment, check. Sole control of the remote, popcorn popped, pineapple smoothie unmolested by resident ‘psychic’…check, check and check. Best of all, no Shawn Spencer ready to spoil his night by sending them off on some sort of wild goose chase case, check.
His smile waned as he considered that last item again. Was this too good to be true? He launched himself up from the chair, looking around suspiciously as he crept (in stealth mode) to the window and peeked out through the blinds. No Shawn. He relaxed only a slight notch as his focus snapped toward the door. Still locked. His smile returned and he returned to his seat. Since they weren’t on any case, there was no way would Shawn come to the office at this time of night. He could watch the Writers’ Commendation Awards in peace. And they were just about to start. He turned on the TV and was greeted with an aerial view of the Red Carpet. He leaned back, propping his feet up and stretching his arms up before resting them behind his head. Nothing could go wrong.
“Due to some unforeseen circumstances, the Writers’ Commendation Awards have been postponed indefinitely.” Gus’s smile vanished and he bolted upright as he recognized the voice. He shook his head. No. No WAY. And yet, a moment later the screen filled with the image of Shawn Spencer, decked out in a classic tux and wielding a something he should never be allowed to wield--a microphone. Who in their right mind had allowed him to touch that?!
“It seemed a waste to let the beautiful setup, the attendance of all these fantastic writers, and the expansive free dinner buffet go to waste, so welcome to the first ever Psychfic Awards!”
Psychfic? Gus blinked as sure enough a moment later the screen filled with the First Annual Psychfic Awards logo with a notation alerting him that it was sponsored by the Psych Detective Agency.
“We can’t afford to sponsor fiction awards, Shawn,” Gus protested, even as the idea piqued his interest.
“That’s right, we’re here in downtown Santa Barbara in front of the Jeffrey Jones Theater where, as you can see, the stars are all arriving on the Red Carpet.” Gus shook his head in disbelief. “So come on down, Magic Head--you know you want to. And the rest of you stay tuned, we’ve got quite the show in store.”
Gus’s jaw dropped. “I can’t just come down there,” he griped. “What am I supposed to wear? It’s a Black Tie event, Shawn”
“Oh, and I picked up your tux, it’s in your locker, buddy.”
It wasn’t two minutes later that Gus was in his tux and heading out the door, rushing to head off the impending disaster that he was certain awaited downtown.
“I want to thank you for agreeing to do this, Karen,” Stanley Garrison, the sponsor and ex-host of the Commendation Awards thanked Chief Vick. “I just can’t believe this has happened!”
“It’s no problem…Stanley. I know how much this event means to the community.”
“Yes. Yes. And as they say. The show must go on. I just didn’t have the heart to…Not without…”
“I understand, Mr. Garrison. We’ll do our best to recover the missing Quills. You’re sure that no one else has been in the building?”
“No. That’s the thing. It was completely locked up. Nobody else even has keys. I checked all the doors; the security cameras are still on and the tapes are uninterrupted. I just don’t know how anyone could possibly have gotten them out of the building. I just don’t know what we’ll do if we can’t recover them. I’m just glad I had the one we use for rehearsals or they’d all be gone. Thanks again,” he added as he hastily stuck out his dress-glove covered hand to shake hers.
Carlton Lassiter had everything under control. He forced a smile as he and his partner Juliet O’Hara approached the first suspect. The young writer’s eyes widened and she rushed past, not looking back until she was safely in the theater lobby.
“Carlton!” Juliet hissed.
“What?” he asked through grit teeth.
“You look like you’re going to eat them. Stop scaring them off.”
Lassiter frowned at her, but at her insistent nod he sighed and smiled again, making sure not to clench his jaw quite so hard.
“Just let me talk to them,” Juliet whispered, flashing a brilliant smile as the next writer approached them. “That’s a gorgeous dress!” she gushed. “Who’s your designer?”
“Um…it’s XOXO,” the young woman replied, smiling weakly. It wasn’t Vera Wang, but the price had been right.
“Right,” Juliet smiled and nodded, though she didn’t recognize the label. “So what do you think your chances are tonight?”
“Chances…? Oh! Um, not really good. I wasn’t nominated for anything. I’m just here for the expansive free dinner buffet.”
Juliet let out a weak laugh. “Right. Right.”
Lassiter inhaled impatiently. If they wanted to get any questions answered, he was going to have to ask them himself. “Where were you earlier tonight?”
“Excuse me?”
“What part of the question didn’t you understand?” Juliet elbowed him in the ribs. He rolled his eyes but moved on to the next question. “Have you ever seen one of these?” he asked, pulling the rehearsal Quill from his pocket to show her.
“I’ve gotta…” the young woman started backing away. Quickly. “…go.”
Juliet gave Lassiter an incredulous look. “What?” he snapped, tucking the Quill back in his pocket.
“Chief Vick said we’re just supposed to be interviewing. Not interrogating! This is supposed to be a prestigious affair!”
Lassiter snorted. “Noooo. That was the Writer’s Commendation Awards that were a staple of this community. *This* is a-a farce.”
Juliet rolled her eyes. “No, it’s not. There are lots of really great writers coming out. Every single one of the nominees is worthy of getting a Golden Quill!”
“You mean the Pineapples that Spencer is giving out instead since all the Quills were stolen earlier this afternoon? It wouldn’t surprise me if he hid them himself just so he could ‘save the day’.”
“When has he ever--"
Carlton hushed her as another nominee approached. “I’ll take this one.”
LittleFairy hesitantly entered the red carpet, since this was the first time she had ever been invited to such an event. Trying to keep as inconspicuous as possible she took a few steps towards the entrance when suddenly a microphone was thrust in her face and she found herself facing a tall man with a strong Irish hairline, wielding a microphone and looking as if he'd much rather be anywhere else but there. But the tux was really doing wonders for his appearance.
"And who are you?"
LittleFairy shuffles nervously at the brusque question. "I'm LittleFairy."
Lassiter gave a harsh laugh. "Now that's nice. Just go on inside, I think the tooth fairy is already inside tossing back gin and tonics. I just hope for your sake that it's an officially registered pseudonym, otherwise I'll have you booked for impersonating a fairytale-creature before you have the chance to say ‘Once upon a time’. Now how about a real name?"
LittleFairy bit her lip to keep her chin from quaking. "Laura."
Juliet buried her face in her hands. It was definitely a mistake for Vick to give them Red Carpet duty. She glanced toward the doors and spotted Buzz McNabb talking easily with a few contestants that had already slipped past as they fussed over the pet Shawn had invited Buzz to bring along. She smiled as she noticed that even Little Boy Cat was wearing a little bowtie.
"Laura what? Where I come from, people are required to have a first and a last name." Lassiter pointed out.
Eyes darting to and fro quickly, LittleFairy pointed into the darkness to the side of the building.
"Hey, looks like somebody is trying to steal that red car over there!"
Lassiter turned around, one hand automatically going to the weapon holster underneath the jacket of his tux, and LittleFairy didn't hesitate for one moment as she dashed off towards the entrance.
On her way she might have stepped on the little boy cat. There's no way to be sure, but she heard the sound of a cat squealing, and she also thought she distinctly heard Buzz McNabb cry.
Realizing he’d been fooled, Lassiter started to point his weapon toward where LittleFairy had disappeared, but Juliet stopped him. “Carlton!” she admonished. “Interviews, not interrogations! They don’t think the thief was a writer at all.”
Grumbling, Lassiter re-holstered his gun. “I just don’t trust them. They’re all shifty-eyed and like to torture us all…Speak of the devil.” He eyed the approaching young woman suspiciously.
“What?” She knit her brow in confusion, and then relaxed, “Oh, oh I get it! You’re supposed to be interviewing me red carpet style. I can do that. That’s funny, you going all ‘bad cop’ on me. Very Lassie of you,” she grinned.
“Oh, I’ll go ‘bad cop’ on you, you little punk,” he leaned closer poking her in the shoulder. “So tell me, ‘GusGal,’ if that is your real name, what have you been up to for the last two hours?”
“Erm, homework?”
“Oh, funny, funny girl. Tell me ‘GusGal,’ you often abandon your fics on the internet? Or are you just a bad parent?”
“Excuse me? Listen here buddy, I’ve been trying to work out the plot subtleties! Do you think that I can just have Shawn and Juliet completely abandon the case? What about your story line? I can’t just leave you hanging out to dry! I have to get in the zone, channel the writers, stay in character. I haven’t had the time!” She paused as a sudden realization hit her, “Wait, I get it, you’re just mad because I sent you to a compassion seminar,” she laughed as he narrowed his eyes, “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” she said as she lightly tapped him on the cheek, “I’ve got to go.” And with that, GusGal left a very confused and angry Carlton Lassiter behind her.
“Don’t forget; we’re supposed to be *nice* to them!”
“I’m being nice…”
Juliet decided it’d be fairly pointless trying to argue the point.
GBFreak1 walked up to the Red Carpet wearing a flattering black strapless gown.
“Good evening and welcome to the First Annual Psychfic Awards,” Lassiter greeted, giving Juliet a look to say ‘see’?
“Good evening Lassie, Jules,” GBFreak1 returned the greeting.
“Hi there, GB! Congrats on the nominations!” Juliet welcomed.
“Thanks so much. It was so great to be nominated and such an honor as well. There are many talented authors here at Psychfic.”
“We hear that you are a big fan of what the fangirls term as “whumpage”. Is this true?” Carlton asked, keeping his voice neutral.
“Well, yes, I dabble in a little whumpage and some angst.”
“There better not be any whumpage on my watch sister!”
“Calm down Carlton! It’s just fiction. No one really gets hurt!” Juliet assured him.
“And I mostly abuse Shawn,” GBFreak added.
“Really?” Lassiter’s eyebrows rose slightly.
“Yes, and you’ve saved the day a time or two.”
“Interesting…”
“Oh boy,” Juliet bemoaned. “Well, enjoy the awards GB!”
“Thanks, you too!”
“I think maybe we should get inside, it looks like pretty much everyone who is coming has already learned to go that way to avoid us. And I think Buzz may have taken Little Boy Cat to the infirmary, we should check on him before the ceremony begins,” Juliet urged, mostly just trying to get Carlton to leave the rest of the attendees in peace. Her position solidified as she saw Gus weaving his way through the crowd in a rush.
“Holy mother of…what is he wearing?” Lassiter asked as he saw Gus disappear into the building. Juliet could only stare mutely after him and shake her head.
“Shawn!” Gus bellowed as he made his way backstage.
“Gus! Dude! You made it!” Shawn greeted as he set down the box of props he’d collected from the greenroom.
“What’s this?!” Gus asked tugging on his tuxedo sleeves.
“It’s a tux, Gus,” Shawn answered, stating the obvious.
“It’s Chartreuse, Shawn. It has RUFFLES.”
“Gus, it was last minute. How can you expect me to get something that fit right on such short notice?” He, of course, was ignoring the fact that he himself was wearing a classic black tux with a pineapple bowtie and cummerbund.
“You left the tag on. You bought it in August!” Gus hissed. “Besides, you can’t just…steal an award show!”
“Relax. I didn’t steal it. They’re letting me do this so I can find out what happened to the Golden Quills that were stolen this afternoon.”
Gus’s mouth snapped shut for a moment before he nodded, accepting that answer. “Okay, so what have you found out?”
“I’ve found out that all the presenters went home when they found out that the Commendations were postponed, and that the Gouda they got for the buffet table is the best freakin’ cheese ever. I’ve got the wheel in the cooler over there if you want a piece…”
At Gus’s glare, Shawn relented. “I think I’ve got something, but I still need to check a few things out. In the meantime, you’re going to present these awards and buy me some time.”
“Me? Presenting,” Gus let out a huff of disbelief. “I don’t think so.”
“Oh come on. Dude! This is the chance you’ve always wanted. I know how much you love these things. If I did it I wouldn’t do it justice, but you? You can explain all these category things and you’ll get to meet all these writers you love reading…”
Gus’s eyebrows raised as he considered. Shawn did have a few points. And when would he ever get this chance again? Okay. Sure. He could do this.
Hook, line, and sinker, Shawn smirked and handed the list of categories and nominees to his newly appointed presenter.
“But wait. If the quills were stolen, what are we awarding?”
“These beautiful puppies,” Shawn responded pulling the cover off the table covered with Gold, Silver, and Bronzed pineapples. He picked up the single Diamond Pineapple and held it up for Gus’s approval.
Gus blinked. “Where…how…?”
“I had them commissioned a few years ago. You just never know when they might come in handy,” he explained as if it were the most normal thing in the world. He tossed the diamond into the air, catching it with a grin as Gus watched wide-eyed.
“SHAWN!”
Gus smiled smugly and crossed his arms over his chest. Now Shawn was in for it. “Mr. Spencer,” he greeted as the Bermuda-short and hideous shirt clad elder Spencer made his way backstage.
Shawn’s head bobbed down and he silently cursed. Why now? He stuck the Diamond Pineapple in his pocket and turned to face his father.
“Shawn, you can’t just hijack an awards show. These things take planning. And follow through. You never finish anything you start. Do you just expect the cameras to keep rolling indefinitely?” Shawn rolled his eyes, but before he could reply Henry continued. “I bet you haven’t even come up with an opening monologue! There are hundreds of people sitting out there waiting for a show but how are you supposed to start without a monologue?”
Much as he hated to admit it, his dad had a point. Shawn looked thoughtful for a moment. He cocked his head an eyebrow raised. After a moment he smiled a smile that scared the bajezus out of his father. He turned and started digging through the prop box, grabbed the ukulele that had been stashed at the bottom, and thrust it into Henry’s hands.
Henry frowned. “What the…Shawn? I’m not--"
“Lots of award shows start with a musical number showcasing the nominees.”
Henry shook his head. “Oh no. No, Shawn. I’m not…what are you doing?” Shawn had grabbed a janitor’s mop from the prop box and removed the head.
“You watch American Duos, right? So…Improvise!” Shawn slapped the mophead on top of Henry’s head forming a makeshift wig of “dreads” while simultaneously pushing Henry onto the stage.
Henry scowled, but realized that the crowd was already restless; if he just left they might start to riot. Dammit, Shawn!
Fine. He’d just get this stupid Award thing started and then it would all be up to Shawn. But this was the last time he was going to bail the kid out of this sort of mess.
(To the tune of Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” being played on the ukulele)
Now, I’ve heard about your fic Awards
Votes are counted and they yield rewards
But you don’t really care ‘bout the basics do ya?
You plunged through floors, just three or four
A major fall, a little gore
Lived through it all; Amazing, hallelujah.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Been stuck in a ventilator duct
Been tied to bombs that will destruct
They just keep finding new ways to screw ya,
They’ve tied you to a kitchen chair,
They broke your nose and pulled your hair
And still you escape; oh yeah hallelujah.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Been almost killed by some crab dip
Been kidnapped, shot, beaten up a bit
You just keep coming back again. Why oh why do ya?
I’ve seen you stabbed and seen your broken bones
Don’t get me started on your hormones!
When you moved out it was glory, hallelujah!
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Been in car crashes, fallen out of trees
Taken a nasty blow to your knees
I think someone upstairs must really hate ya.
Buried alive, and been concussed,
And other things that won’t be discussed!
Lived through it all; Amazing, hallelujah!
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah…hallelujah.
“I have to be completely honest and say that was just a complete mess,” Nigel St. Nigel critiqued from the chair he’d placed in front of the front row of the audience. “You call that singing? Atrocious! Just a hint: ‘dip’ does not in any way rhyme with ‘bit’. All in all a terrible parody. I completely forbid you from doing any further musical numbers. And what is that ridiculous thing on your head? You look like something crawled up there and died! Oh wait, I think it must have seen your shirt!”
With a growl, Henry launched himself off the stage and tackled the American Duos judge. Buzz McNabb sprang into action, pulling them apart before the elder man choked St. Nigel to death in front of an auditorium filled with witnesses. While Buzz was occupied, Little Boy Cat strolled onto the stage, plunked down, and began grooming.
“I think maybe we ought to stay close,” Vick whispered to Lassiter, nodding toward St. Nigel, who was bound to piss off more than a few people if he continued critiquing.
Juliet escorted Henry to opposite side of the stage from St. Nigel as Gus and Shawn made their way center stage.
“And now what you’ve all been waiting for. Welcome to the First Annual Psychfic Awards!” Shawn announced. “It is my pleasure to introduce to you tonight’s host and presenter, Lilac deAugustine!”
Gus frowned and shook his head. “To any of you reporters out there covering this event, that’s spelled B-u-r-t-o-n G-u-s-t-e-r.
“It is an honor to be here tonight to award you all for all the hard work you’ve put into your stories,” he continued. “I can’t even begin to tell you how much time I personally have spent reading and enjoying all of your works. There were fantastic nominees in all the categories this year, and the results were very close. Thank you to the Psychfic Community for taking your time to nominate and vote. It’s my pleasure now to present the results!” But instead of doing so, he began to talk about the importance of voting.
“Did you know that Abraham Lincoln once said ‘The ballot is stronger than the bullet.’?”
“Tell that to someone who’s been shot,” Lassiter grumbled from his seat at the front of the stage.
“Just get on with it!” a voice called from somewhere in the middle of the auditorium, but Gus remained oblivious.
“In fact, if you don’t vote--"
“Gus,” Shawn cut in.
“What?”
“The voting has already ended. These people have already voted. Let’s move on with this thing.”
“Right. Okay, tonight’s first category celebrates best friends. Friends who would take a bullet for each other.”
“Or ballots from each other?”
Gus scowled. “That’s nothing to joke about, Shawn. This award goes to stories that focuses on or touches on the friendship between me and Shawn, and/or accentuates our…unique relationship.”
“Relationship? Dude! Good for you; I remember when you got all uptight that time we were trying to rent an apartment and--”
“You know what I meant! Friendship!”
“Uh huh. And the nominees for the American Duo Award for stories about the relationship between Gus and I.”
“Gus and me,” Gus corrected.
“Like anyone here is going to care about the right grammar?”
“They’re writers, Shawn,” Gus pointed out.
“Whatever. The nominees are:
A Secretary is Not a Toy by PinkRanger
Tug of War by 4thStreet
Five Ways Shawn Met Gus by thecomfychair
Evicted by Nyxelestia
The Kind That'd Take A Bullet by No More Darkness
Stranger Danger by AllAboutSpencer
Suck It Gus by MusicalLuna
Not Our Finest Moment by Josu
“The Pineapples go to:
Gold: Five Ways Shawn Met Gus by thecomfychair
Silver: The Kind That'd Take a Bullet by No More Darkness
And Bronze: Suck It Gus by MusicalLuna."
The audience applauded as each of the winners took the stage briefly to accept their awards.
“That was really touching, Dude. I’m all…verklempt!” Shawn pretended to choke up. He threw his arms around Gus, hugging him.
“Get off me!” Gus hissed.
“Fine. Fine. I’ve got a case to solve anyway. I’ll leave you to do your thing…”
Gus glared at him until he left the stage. “The next category speaks for itself. Literally. The nominees for ‘Best Banter, the award for the funniest, the most touching, the weirdest, the most random, the most memorable dialogue from a story’, are:”
(To view all the nominees for Best Banter, click HERE.)
"And the pineapples go to:
Gold: Skeletons in the Closet by Collegekid06
Silver: Two's Company by centipede
And Bronze: Guilt and Sorrow by Stefanie."
Following the acceptance speeches, Gus immediately began his next presentation.
“Right. Our next category is Best Mystery!”
Shawn headed to look for any sign of the missing quills. He’d already searched the dressing rooms and the greenroom and seen no trace, but he hadn’t yet checked the boiler room, so he decided to head down there. He donned his headset so he could listen to the ceremony as he searched for clues.
“What is a mystery?” Gus asked rhetorically and several audience members groaned as he launched into a lengthy explanation.
The boiler room was unsurprisingly empty. Shawn did, however, noticed a large slightly darkened stain on the floor near the boiler. And there was a large puddle of water. Curious.
“So basically it all boils down to a story whose plot involves a crime or other event that remains puzzlingly unsettled until the very end,” Gus finally concluded his presentation about Mysteries. Relieved, the audience began to applaud.
“The nominees for Best Mystery are:
Keeper by windscryer
Runaway by LittleFairy
It Isn't the Murder That Kills You, It's the Therapy
by dragonnan
Closer by GBFreak1
You Have The Right To Remain... Dead?
by MusicalLuna, centipede
Confined Space by GBFreak1
Sins of the Father by Raych
Catch Me If You Can by LittleFairy
High Tide by LittleFairy
Dead Man's Float by MusicalLuna
Skeptics and True Believers by Jenn1984
Waves of Disaster by Elyse
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: You Have the Right to Remain... Dead? by MusicalLuna, centipede
Silver: Catch Me If You Can by LittleFairy
and Bronze: Skeptics and True Believers by Jenn1984!”
Shawn made his way back upstairs as MusicalLuna and centipede accepted their award quietly and without incident. He watched from the wings as LittleFairy entered the stage with a lot of stumbling and the distinct squealing of a cat.
Nervously, she accepted the Silver Pineapple trophy and adjusted the microphone.
"First of all, Buzz I'm sorry that I stepped on the little boy cat. Again. I know I shouldn't have worn high heels.
“I'd like to thank the Academy. And yes, I know this isn't the Oscars, but I've always wanted to say this and let's face it, I'm not going to win an Oscar anytime soon.
“But seriously, thanks a lot for this award. I haven't been on this site for long, not even a year, so this is totally awesome. Thanks to everybody who voted for me. And big, no huge thanks to everybody who ever helped me with a problem on one of my stories, be that by betaing or picking brains, or by kicking my butt to get the next chapter out. I'm even grateful for the lynch-mobs."
Polite laughter from the audience.
"Buzz, Chief Vick, Juliet, I'm sorry I tend to neglect you in my stories occasionally. I do love you, too, but let's face it, I'm a sucker for the remaining four guys. Lassie, I'm sorry for handcuffing you to Shawn for an entire day. But I thought it was a character-building experience. And where's Henry?"
Looks around until Henry harrumphes and raises his hand an inch.
"Ah, I should have known to look for the shirt. I'm really sorry that I pretended to have killed you. Honestly. But come on, is it so hard to tell your son that you’re proud of him once in a while? Or to hug him? And don't you go all crossed arms and scowl on me, that doesn't scare me. And one piece of advice, if I may. Lose the shirts. I mean, come on. A blind man wouldn't be caught wearing those shirts."
Henry looked down at his shirt. What was wrong with it? It certainly wasn’t worse than the atrocious tux Guster had on. He scowled, and crossed his arms then realized that was exactly what she’d said he’d do. With an annoyed huff he got up and went backstage to find Shawn.
LittleFairy looked back at her award as the background music announced the end of her speech. "All right, that's it. Thanks a lot for this great award. Just one question: Does it come in any other shape? Because I really, really hate pineapple."
A loud roar can be heard from the side of the stage, and LittleFairy quickly ran from the stage before Shawn, his hands outstretched and ready to strangle, could reach her. Somewhere, a cat could be heard squealing in pain.
Gus clapped as the winners returned to their seats and Shawn exited, stage left. “In the interest of not running overtime, and not maiming any more pets, we will be holding the rest of the ‘thank yous’ at the end of the evening. I apologize for the inconvenience, but I can guarantee you that all the authors do thoroughly appreciate your support and value your reviews.
“Which brings us to the next category. What loyal reviewer do you remember the most? What reviewer consistently gives you great, constructive.... and creative feedback? What reviewer do you always look forward to hearing what they have to say?”
Shawn raised his eyebrows thoughtfully. He really did forget to give Gus enough credit sometimes, he should really tell him how insightful and--
“Shawn!”
“Dad,” Shawn acknowledged.
“What the hell was that stunt you just pulled? A mop Shawn? That wasn’t even creative! You could have come up with much better than that! And you just happened to have a ukulele? Plot device much? You obviously were pushing me to copy that American Duos contestant--”
“What you’re doing isn’t reviewing, it’s flaming,” Shawn informed him glibly. “And you’re the one who chose that song, I just always thought you’d look better with hair.”
“Tonight’s nominees for Best Reviewer (though really any of you that take the time to do so deserve these!) are:
windscryer
Jenn1984
dragonnan
GBFreak1
Nyxelestia
centipede
MusicalLuna
Emily
LittleFairy
Hey Juliet
Stray
mel60
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: windscryer
Silver: Nyxelestia
and Bronze: GBFreak1!”
“Fathers and sons often have very complicated relationships,” Gus began presenting the next award as Henry and Shawn continued arguing just offstage.
“Do you have any idea what kind of germs that mophead probably was carrying?” Henry griped.
“It was a prop, Dad. It hadn’t ever actually been used on the floors. And thank you for helping out.”
“Helping out?! If I hadn’t been here to bail you out, all those people out there would have started rioting!”
“I’ve got a case to solve,” he informed his father, and turned his back, ending the argument.
“That’s right, Shawn. Just walk away!” Henry called after him.
“This next award is for stories that touch on the dysfunctional and sometimes flamboyant relationship between Henry and Shawn Spencer,” Gus concluded.
And the nominees for the ‘How Many Hats? Award’ are:
At the Edge of the Glass by centipede
A Late Night Call by Angel Love
Cop's Instinct by s_c
Trick or Treat by Destined Dreamer
A Deal with the Devil by GBFreak1
Past Mistakes by LittleFairy
Catch Me If You Can by LittleFairy
Guilt and Sorrow by Stefanie
How To Read My Father: A Henry Spencer Mood Conversation Guide
by Collegekid06
Stranger Danger by AllAboutSpencer
A Eulogy For My Father by Collegekid06
Be Careful What You Wish For by GBFreak1
Four Floors down, use the Stairs in Case of Emergency
by centipede
Mrs. Pickles by Sushi Chi
“And the Pineapples go to:
“Gold: Four Floors Down, Use the Stairs in Case of Emergency by centipede
Silver: How to Read my Father: A Henry Spencer Mood Conversation Guide by Collegekid06
And Bronze: A Deal with the Devil by GBFreak1!”
Shawn sighed as he shut himself into one of the dressing rooms. Couldn’t his dad see that he didn’t need ‘bailing out’? He wouldn’t have let any of those people down. Couldn’t his dad understand that he wasn’t a kid anymore and that even though he didn’t live the life his father had wanted for him, he wasn’t the loser his father seemed to think he was? He’d been at the “Psych” business for a record two years and he had no intention of quitting. But of course Henry couldn’t ever acknowledge that!
“Angst,” Gus began his definition. “A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression.”
Maybe his father was right, Shawn moped. Really, two years wasn’t really that long to have the same job. And he was totally holding Gus back from excelling at the pill pushing job. And he did nothing but annoy Lassiter. It was clear that Juliet didn’t return his feelings…
“The nominees for Best Angst Fic are:
A Moment Too Late by MusicalLuna
Midnight Run by LittleFairy
Trials and Tribulations by JessicaRae
Memory by windscryer
At the Edge of the Glass by centipede
A Whisper to the Living by Xparrot
Fractures by Vampkira
Past Mistakes by LittleFairy
I Asked to Go to Dinner, and You Thought I Said Torture
by dragonnan
Yellow by psych_ologist
My Last Words by Josu
Sins of the Father by Raych
Corpses, Curses, and Cops, Oh My by Vampkira
Confined Space by GBFreak1
Four Floors Down, Use the Stairs in Case of Emergency
by centipede
My Brother's Keeper in Training by Mariposa
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: Four Floors Down, Use the Stairs in Case of Emergency by centipede
Silver: A Whisper to the Living by Xparrot
And Bronze: Confined Space by GBFreak1
“This award needs little explanation. Sometimes good things come in little packages.”
“Don’t tell me Spencer created an award for midgets,” Lassiter grumbled.
“They prefer the term ‘Little People’,” Juliet admonished. “But no.”
“The nominees for Best Short for oneshots or short stories are:
Behind the Line of Sight by centipede
An Act of Kindness by JessicaRae
Five Ways Shawn Met Gus by thecomfychair
Better Day Tomorrow by centipede
Don't Eat the Crab by Raych
A Father's Pain by Raych
Guilt and Sorrow by Stefanie
Welcome to the Wacky World of Sensory Fashion
by MusicalLuna
Proof in the Puzzle by centipede
Darkness' Embrace by Sushi Chi
The Final Cut by dragonann
Can I Tell You a Secret? by Raych
I'll Take Mine on A Keyser Soze Roll... by Collegekid06
Hopeless by Nyxelestia
Five Things Shawn Never Told His Father by KatiKat
“Wow, that was short,” Shawn muttered, impressed.
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: Don't Eat the Crab by Raych
Silver: Five Ways Shawn Met Gus by the comfychair
And Bronze: Guilt and Sorrow by Stefanie
After the applause died down again, Gus continued with the presentations while Juliet decided she should try to find Shawn and find out how his investigation was going. She headed downstairs to the greenroom but even before she reached the bottom of the stairs she realized that the room empty. She turned to go back upstairs only to discover someone was *right there* behind her. She let out a startled scream and stepped back, losing her balance and started to topple down the rest of the stairs.
“Oh hey, Jules,” Shawn greeted as he caught her deftly, sweeping her off her feet and carrying her down the last few steps.
“Hey,” she replied, breathlessly, her eyes wide as she gazed into his, only inches away. They were so *close*. Her heart sped up nervously as his face leaned in even closer.
“I think you all know what a romance is so I'll leave the description to no more than that,” Gus concluded. “The nominees for Best Romance are:
Confusion to Clarity by MusicalLuna
Those Spaces Inside by s_c
Worth the Wait by LittleFairy
Empty Shoes by centipede
Mushy Moments by MusicalLuna
Chemistry of a Car Crash by Jenn1984, MusicalLuna
Holding On To Words by infatuation
Waves of Disaster by Elyse
Stop! In the Name of... Love?? by Collegekid06
To Be Bored Or Not To Be by sas
And the Pineapples go to:
“Gold: Mushy Moments by MusicalLuna
Silver: Empty Shoes by centipede
And Bronze: Chemistry of a Car Crash by Jenn1984, MusicalLuna”
The moment before Shawn’s lips met Juliet’s they were interrupted.
“Have you had any luck finding the Quills?” Mr. Garrison asked as he stopped midway down the stairs.
“No,” Shawn replied, gently setting Juliet back on her feet. His eyes flashed to the man’s gleaming white gloves, then to the cufflinks he wore.
Back onstage, Gus was beginning his next presentation. “We’ve talked about friendship. We’ve talked about romance. And even when troubling, the relationship between father and son is still basically a good one.” He ignored the snort from Henry offstage. “But not all relationships are good ones. One of the quintessential elements of a good story is an antagonist.”
Lassiter shifted uncomfortably in his seat, not liking the way this was sounding.
“Call ‘em what they are. Call them ‘Bad Guys’.”
Lassiter sat up straighter, clearly offended.
“This isn’t about you,” Vick whispered her assurance, but Lassiter wasn’t listening.
“I don’t have to sit here for this,” he griped as he got up and headed out to get some fresh air.
“But you knew I wouldn’t find them, didn’t you?” Shawn surmised.
“Pardon?” Mr. Garrison asked.
“Dress gloves? Really? Please. Who actually wears those things any more?”
“Um, Shawn?” Juliet whispered, hoping to clue him in that they weren’t *that* unusual at formal events, but he hushed her.
“What are you covering up? Ink stains?”
Garrison chuckled.
“No. The quill ink is completely washable. I’d venture more likely you’re covering up some burns.”
Garrison’s smile faded.
“Burns you received when you were acquiring your new cufflinks, perhaps?” He looked at Juliet. “I think you’ll find that there is a big ink stain on the floor in the boiler room. There’s also a puddle of water.” He looked back to Garrison. “You needed to turn it up to melt the gold off the quills. Unfortunately it got too hot and you had to release the valve or risk an explosion. That’s when you burnt your hands, isn’t it, Garrison? And I’ll bet that the burns are just about the same size as the valve release.”
Juliet gasped as Garrison pulled out a gun and aimed it at Shawn’s head.
“The nominees for ‘Best Bad Guy Award for the guy or girl you love to hate; the story in which an original character struck you as the best of the bad’ are:
Skeptics and True Believers by Jenn1984
Bad Guy: Garrison Reid
Keeper by windscryer
Bad Guy: Lawrence Fieldstone
The Day Shawn Spencer Tried To Take Over the World
by moogsthewriter
Bad Guy: Shawn Spencer
Confined Space by GBFreak1
Bad Guy: Gary Cushing
Sins of the Father by Raych
Bad Guy: John McCoy
I Asked You To Go To Dinner and You Thought I Said Torture
by dragonnan
Bad Guy: Erin
Closer by GBFreak1
Bad Guy: Cole Miller
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: Skeptics and True Believers by Jenn1984 Bad Guy: Garrison Reid
Silver: Confined Spaces by GBFreak1 Bad Guy: Gary Cushing
And Bronze: I Asked You To Go To Dinner and You Thought I Said Torture by dragonnan Bad Guy: Erin
“I need to get serious for a few minutes here,” Gus informed the audience.
“He hasn’t been so far?” Vick whispered to McNabb, who shrugged non-commentally.
“I know we all hate it when anyone gets hurt. How many of us hate to hear about someone getting shot--"
“Spencer?!” Lassiter called, his eyes widening as he saw the drawn gun.
Startled, Garrison turned and fired.
“Or fall…” Gus continued.
Juliet screamed as she saw Lassiter start to tumble down the stairs. She moved to catch him, but was helpless as he toppled into Garrison, sending them both sprawling, the gun landing a couple feet away.
“…get stabbed…” Gus added.
Juliet cringed as she saw Lassiter struggling to get up, the Quill from his pocket now clearly imbedded in his skin.
“…or beaten…”
Garrison began swinging his fists, striking his jaw and then a second blow to his stomach.
“The ‘Boo Boo Award’ for best use of smacking a character around.”
Juliet leapt onto Garrison’s back, trying to get him off of Carlton. “Hey!” she protested as she felt him pull her shoe off her foot and start hitting Lassiter with it.
“This is for the most original or most memorable or the worst(in a good sense) way to hurt a character. Best whump, for those of you familiar with the phrase. The nominees are:
*Iz Ded* Moments by windscryer
Not Everybody Loves Surprises by LittleFairy
Four Floors down, use the Stairs in Case of Emergency
by centipede
Ya Had a Bad Day by moogsthewriter
I asked to go to dinner and you thought I said toture
by dragonnan
Primed Numbers by psych_ologist
Closer by GBFreak1
Shafted by MusicalLuna
Fixer-Uppers by MusicalLuna
Malicious Intent by GBFreak1
I'm Just Here for the Rocky Road by dragonnan
Stranger Danger by AllAboutSpencer
A Bump on the Head Changes Everything by Nini8519
Ruin His Day by Sushi Chi
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: Four Floors Down, Use the Stairs in Case of Emergency by centipede
Silver: Ya Had a Bad Day by moogsthewriter
And Bronze: Shafted by MusicalLuna”
Garrison spun, throwing Juliet off his back and into Lassiter, sending them both sprawling.
Shawn made a dive for the gun, but Garrison was just a little bit faster and a moment later he found himself with a gun in his face. Reluctantly he found himself becoming a hostage. “Hand your guns over here,” Garrison demanded, keeping his gun pointed at Shawn as he collected them from the reluctant detectives.
“All right. Let’s go. Either of you follow and I’ll kill him,” Garrison warned.
Juliet looked helplessly at Shawn, but he just gave her a small smile. It’d be all right.
“All that work for the gold plating on the Quills? That’s pretty pathetic, Dude,” Shawn admonished as he was forced up the stairs.
“Shut up!”
“How many did it take to even make those little blobs?” Shawn questioned.
“I said shut up!”
“I see my friend Shawn had a little influence on this next category,” Gus said as he looked at the next one on his list. “There is one feature that is not found in nearly enough stories,” he read Shawn’s notes allowed. “How can one possibly write a story and not take one moment to honor the world’s most delicious fruit?”
“I’m serious, Dude. There’s more gold in one of the Pineapple Awards than in all of the gold you got from those quills.”
Garrison considered for a moment. “You’re right. I could melt those down and…lets go get them.”
Shawn ‘reluctantly’ allowed himself to be taken to the stage.
The audience gasped as Garrison appeared on stage, holding a gun to Shawn’s head.
Gus turned to see what was causing the commotion and his eyes widened as he saw what was happening.
Chief Vick was immediately on her feet, motioning for McNabb to follow. They crouched and started making their way to the edge of the stage.
“You,” Garrison motioned to Gus. “Start gathering them up,” he demanded.
Grudgingly Gus began to obey, but his hands were full after picking up only five of them. “I can’t carry any more.”
Garrison scowled. “Okay, come over here.” Once Gus was close enough, Garrison switched his aim and nodded to Shawn. “Go get the rest.”
Shawn glanced out at Vick and McNabb, but could see that there was currently no way that they’d be able to get in a shot without risking hitting Gus. It was going to be up to him.
He made his way toward the table, smiling as he carefully reached into his pocket and retrieved the Diamond Pineapple he’d pocketed earlier in the evening.
Without hesitation or warning, he turned and threw the Diamond Pineapple directly at Garrison’s head. It struck full force and the man collapsed. Gus quickly set the Pineapple Awards aside and scrambled to get the gun while Vick and McNabb rushed the stage to apprehend Garrison.
Gus announced shakily, “The nominees for Best Use of a Pineapple, are:
From Bad to Worse to the Movies! by Mariposa
Pineapple Usage: Mychal uses Pineapple shampoo and conditioner, and Shawn keeps smelling it throughout the whole story.
Of Best Friends and Fruit by Stefanie
Pineapple Usage: Gus describes to the class how Shawn is like a pineapple.
A Dinner Forgotten by Chips03
Pineapple Usage: Henry made Shawn pineapple pancakes.
What Would Shawn Do? by Collegekid06
Pineapple Usage: As an apology gift in chapter 2.
Skeptics and True Believers by Jenn1984
Pineapple Usage: Shawn gets a bunch of pineapple gifts from the
guy whose life he saved.
Sweet A.M. by 4th Street
Pineapple Usage: Little Shawn shares pineapple with his mom.
A Whisper to the Living by Xparrot
Pineapple Usage: As a tribute to Gus and Henry. Also, as a sign
so Juliet knows that Shawn is in town.
Pineapple by SomebodyElse
Pineapple Usage: Henry giving Shawn pineapple.
“And the Pineapples go to,” Shawn concluded for him.
Gold: A Whisper to the Living by Xparrot
Silver: Of Best Friends and Fruit by Stefanie
And Bronze: Skeptics and True Believers by Jenn1984
“While they’re still here, I think now is a good time to thank the SBPD. The nominees for ‘The SBPD Award for best story that focuses on our boys and girls in blue, our Santa Barbara Police Department force of Vick, Lassiter, Juliet, and even Buzz.’ Are:
Four Floors Down, Use the Stairs in Case of Emergency
by centipede
Fun in the Woods with Buzz McNabb by centipede
Fear Unspoken by Naarelda
Keeper by windscryer
Hypothetically Speaking by psych_ologist
Your Visitation Rights? Revoked. by MusicalLuna
Trial Run by windscryer
Waves of Disaster by Elyse
One Team One Hundred Scenarios by VampKira
“And the Pineapple Awards go to:
Gold: Fun in the Woods with Buzz McNabb by centipede
Silver: Four Flours Down, Use the Stairs in Case of Emergency by centipede
And Bronze: (TIE) Keeper by windscryer
And Waves of Disaster by Elyse
“Wow,” Buzz looked astounded. “They actually write stories about me? Think I’ll ever get my own category?”
“Maybe next year, Buzz,” Shawn suggested. He looked out into the audience. “Maybe next year.”
Buzz smiled and nodded. “Could someone make sure that Little Boy Cat makes it home okay?” His eyes widened as he spotted LittleFairy a few rows away. “Um…somebody else?”
“Take it away, Buddy,” Shawn nodded toward Gus and headed back offstage as Vick and McNabb carted Garrison out of the auditorium.
“Life is never dull,” Gus began his next presentation as he continued trying to compose himself. “Sometimes at the SBPD and Psych Offices it’s so exciting that you could actually imagine seeing it play out on TV. I could swear that there were people sitting around in a room making up stories about us. I think they’d probably call the show SBPD Blues. Shawn would probably insist on it being about Psych though, so we’ll call it that.
“The nominees for ‘Most Psych-Like stories are:
Four Floors Down, Use the Stairs in Case of Emergency
by centipede
Death by Horse by Stefanie
Murder and Mayhem and Monopoly, Oh My!
by greenrandomness
A Secretary Is Not A Toy by PinkRanger
Catch Me If You Can by LittleFairy
High Tide by LittleFairy
Dead Man's Float by MusicalLuna
Waves of Disaster by Elyse
Crushed Pineapple Chunks by Collegekid06
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: Crushed Pineapple Chunks by Collegekid06
Silver: Death By Horse by Stefanie
And Bronze: Four Floors Down, Use the Stairs in Case of Emergency by centipede.”
Shawn made his way downstairs and found Juliet trying to make Lassiter comfortable while she talked on her cell to Emergency Services. “There’s an ambulance on the way,” she assured him.
“Lassy!” Shawn called.
“Oh! Shawn you’re okay!” Juliet sounded relieved. “I wanted to go after you, but I couldn’t just leave Carlton.”
“I’m FINE,” Lassiter snapped.
“Did they get him?”
“Vick and McNabb are taking him in now,” Shawn assured her. “And don’t worry Lassy, I’ll make sure you get complete credit for your role in the capture. That was really incredible the way you tackled him and kept him busy letting him punch you like that.”
“I hate you,” Lassiter grumbled, closing his eyes as if it would make Shawn go away faster.
Shawn only smiled and sat down to wait with him until the paramedics arrived.
Gus continued with the next presentation. “The nominees for the ‘You Astound Me Award for best portrayal of the often volatile relationship between Shawn and Lassiter’ are:
Two's Company by centipede
Better Day Tomorrow by centipede
Keeper by windscryer
Proof in the Puzzle by centipede
Friends Don't Let Friends Drunk Dial by Collegekid06
Memory by windscryer
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: Friends Don't Let Friends Drunk Dial by Collegekid06
Silver: Better Day Tomorrow by centipede
And Bronze: Keeper by windscryer.”
“We all lead incredibly busy lives. We make big plans, we get a great start and then…life has a way of making us have to put things on hold.
“What incomplete story do you want to see finished? This is a story that has been taking a VERY long time to be written. The wait is LONG between updates or the updates have suddenly stopped, leaving the story in hiatus. Maybe an award will get the author's creative juices going?
“The nominees for the ‘Most Wanted WIP’ are:
When Silence is the Enemy by Nyxelestia
Next by DisappearingInq
Nightmare by Kamo Fantomo
A Life You Don't Live is Still Lost by Elfgirl
Out Cold by Xparrot
Black Market Baby! by GusGal
Revenge by Nyxelestia
The Sight by JessicaRae
A Little Too Close to Home by GBFreak1
Another Climb by Sky Pad
A Beautiful Lie by Jenn1984
That Cannot Be Perceived by Xparrot
Well, Somebody Had To Kill Shawn! by Nyxelestia
Vengeance by moogsthewriter
Look, But Don't Touch by Astrophysicist
Three Blind Mice by Galinda05, Pineapple_Pixie
How Not to Raise a Kid by s_c
20 x 20 by s_c
Blame Game by nebbyjen
Snapshots by windscryer
Pyro by MST3Kfan
“And the Pineapples go to:
Gold: Vengeance by moogsthewriter
Silver: Another Climb by Sky Pad
And Bronze: Out Cold by Xparrot.”
“I really am fine,” Lassiter insisted yet again. “See? It was just a graze and it’s stopped bleeding. We should go up and…and make sure that everything is secure.”
Shawn smiled knowingly. “You just want to see how the Awards turn out, don’t you, you big lug.”
“No!” Lassiter protested unconvincingly. He could tell by the look they exchanged that neither one bought it. “All right, all right. Help me up, they’re probably about to announce the big one.”
“All right, but you’re going to the hospital after it’s over,” Juliet conceded.
“And now we come to the last award of the night,” Gus announced. “The one we’ve all been waiting for. The writer you look forward to more from. The writer whose stories you've read multiple times. The writer that consistently captures our show and it's characters, writing them with great style and grammar.”
Shawn and Juliet helped Lassiter to his seat.
Shawn nodded at Henry and mouthed the words ‘final award’. Henry chose to ignore him.
“There were lots of extremely talented nominees for this category,” Gus continued.
“But the final Pineapple of the night goes to:”
“WAIT!” Shawn stood up. “I’m seeing a…a…moth? No. Not a moth. A…a bookwor—“
“centipede!”
“Gus!” Shawn cried out in a ‘you hurt me’ way.
“I’ve been announcing the Awards all night, you can’t just come in and announce the last Award. Yes, tonight’s final award for Best Overall Writer, the Diamond Pineapple goes to centipede!”
“Congratulations, centipede, I predict we’ll be seeing many more good things from you!”
“Oh like you really had to be ‘psychic’ for *that*?” Lassiter scoffed.
“Congratulations!” Juliet called. “Would you mind giving Little Boy Cat a ride home?”
‘Thank you everyone for coming tonight,” Gus called out.
“Thanks everyone for all the amazing stories you’ve shared with us all. Keep writing, and we’ll see you again next year!”
THE END (almost)
Additional Thanks:
In order to get the awards completed on time, we were unable to give authors ample times to write their thank-yous, so we’ll be adding additional notes here to the end for those who would like to contribute. Thanks to everyone who participated, and to the committee for all their hard work getting this all organized!
Thank you,
AllAboutSpencer
Acceptance Speech from GBFreak1:
Wow. Thanks so much for this honor. Being a member of this site has been such a fun experience. I have had a love of fan fiction for a long time. When I found Psych, I immediately started searching for fiction and found Psychfic. I was enthralled and read every story like five times. Then I had an idea. I read all the reviews that people left here and I thought, “Okay, if this totally sucks, at least they’ll tell me in a nice way.” So I wrote my first story and finished it and the obsession with writing was born. There are so many people on this site that I consider friends, even just from chatting and sending emails back and forth. These friends have given me encouragement when I think that everything that I write is pure junk. I think you all know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. To all my wonderful betas, thanks for helping me to not sound like an idiot. You ladies ROCK!!! To everyone that has ever left a review for one of my stories, thanks so much. Without your kind and helpful comments, doing this would not be as much fun. Viva loco fangirls!
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